Victoria Wood – Let’s Do It: The Ballad of Barry and Frieda

Victoria Wood – Let’s Do It: The Ballad of Barry and Frieda

Freda and Barry sat one night
The sky was clear, the stars were bright
The wind was soft, the mood was up
Freda drained her cocoa cup

She licked her lips, she felt sublime
She switched off Gardener’s Question Time
Barry cringed in fear and dread
When Freda grabbed his tie and said

Let’s do it, let’s do it, do it while the mood is right
I’m feeling appealing, I’ve really got an appetite
I’m on fire with desire
I could handle half the tenors in the male voice choir
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight

But he said
I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I don’t believe in too much sex
This fashion for passion makes me a nervous wreck
No derision, my decision –
I’d rather watch McCalmans on the television
I can’t do it, I can’t do it tonight

But she said
Let’s do it, let’s do it till our hearts go boom
Go native, creative, we’ll do it in the living room
It’s folly, it’s jolly
Bend me over backwards on the hostess trolley
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight

But he said
I can’t do it, I can’t do it, my heavy-breathing days are gone
I’m older, I’m colder, it’s other things that turn me on
Yes, I’m boring, I’m imploring
I want to read this catalogue on vinyl flooring
I can’t do it, I can’t do it tonight

Then she said
Come on, let’s do it, let’s do it, have a crazy night of love
I’ll strip bare, I’ll just wear stilettos and an oven glove
Don’t give me no palaver
Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight

But he said
I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I know I’ll only get it wrong
No angle for me to dangle, my arms have never been that strong
Stop shouting, stop pouting
You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting
I can’t do it, can’t do it tonight

But she said
Let’s do it, let’s do it, have a night of old romance
Poetic, frenetic, this could be your last big chance
Read Milton, eat Stilton
Roll with gay abandon on a tufted Wilton
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight

Then he said
I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I’ve got such a lot of jobs on hand
Don’t grouse around the house, I’ve got a busy evening planned
Stop nagging, I’m flagging,
You know as well as me that the pipes need lagging
Can’t do it, can’t do it tonight

Then she said
Let’s do it, let’s do it while I’m really in the mood
It’s years and years since I got you even semi-nude
Get drastic, gymnastic
Wear the baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight

But he said
I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I must refuse to get undressed
It’s chilly, I feel silly to go without my thermal vest
Don’t choose me, don’t use me
Mum sent a note saying you must excuse me
Can’t do it, can’t do it tonight

Then she said
Let’s do it, let’s do it, I really absolutely must
I won’t exempt you, I want to tempt you
I want to drive you mad with lust
No caution, just contortions
Smear an avocado on my lower portions
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight

Be mighty, be flighty
Come and melt the buttons on my flame-proof nightie
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight

Not meekly, not bleakly
Beat me on the bottom with the Woman’s Weekly
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight